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Charla Christy
1 thoughts on “Coaching Habit Chapter 4 and Chapter 5”
Judith Diane Farris says:
Part 4
Adult conversations—when we each understand what the other wants we will be in an interesting and worthwhile conversation.
Stick to questions starting with “WHAT.” The WHY is important, but we are not fixing things and therefore do not need the backstory. Ex: instead of asking “Why did you do that?” change it to “What were you hoping for?” So for a script: What’s on your mind? Is there anything else on your mind? What is the real challenge here or you? And what else is the real challenge for you here? Is there anything else? So, what is the real challenge for you here?
Michael writes that the heart/central question of the entire book is the Foundation Question: “What do you want?” The analogy of a goldfish face response—peoples’ eyes are bugged and their mouths are opening and closing with no sound—because often we do not know what we want. Understanding the difference between wants and needs is very helpful. (I asked my own children this as they were thinking of buying something. Do you REALLY NEED this or do you just WANT this? It was very helpful to them in making decisions.) Needs are deeper and can help in choosing or sorting out the “what”. Per Manfred Max-Neef’s work, Rosenberg list nine universal needs. They are: Affection, Creation, Recreation, Freedom, Identity, Understanding, Participation, Protection, and Subsistence. As people share their wants, we can perhaps see their need underneath that want. Ex. if an employee says they need to leave early for the day—they may be needing “understanding” (for what may be difficult at home)
Recognizing a need can better help us better get to/understand/address the want of a client. Also, do the reverse–knowing a want, search for the need.
When asking “what do you want?” answering it for myself will help with the communication between us.
Neuroscience of Engagement—if we feel safe, then our brains acknowledge this and can move forward with calmness, productively. Conversely, if we do not feel safe, then we are in the fight or flight mode, and begin backing away (not physically in the case of conversations) but in our minds we are sensing that all is not well, not safe.
So, in a relationship—how can we help to make the time together safe? There are four primary drivers for how the brain reads situations. TERA acronym for Tribe (are you with me or against me), Expectation (do I know what going to happen next, if I do I will feel safer), Rank (could be based on titles but are you more important that me or not) and Autonomy (do I get a choice/say or not and if I do then I am OK). Thinking of TERA, we can help to influence the environment which then helps to drive the engagement.
As coaches, our job is to increase the TERA quotient. It will be good for the client and me.
WHAT do you want? It pulls people toward their outcome. The miracle questions that can help people define their what. “Suppose that tonight while you’re sleeping a miracle happens. When you get up in the morning tomorrow, how will you know that things have suddenly gotten better?”
Part 5
Get comfortable with silence. Silence is often a measure of success—the client is thinking. Bite your tongue and do not say anything.
We want to help, to add value, but then there’s “helping” that turns into elevating ourselves and diminishing them. It can actually be like us stepping into their shoes which is not helpful to the client.
Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer Analogy—-roles WE ALL PLAY at one time or another
Rescuer—we think we have the answers for the client and we can move that direction easily solving, giving advice, taking over responsibilities…in doing this, I am limiting the client’s growth.
How can I help? —the lazy question. This is powerful because it forces them to ask, and for me to not think and then jump into solve/rescue mode. If you are dreading the answer, you can answer with: yes, no, I can’t do that, OR let me think about that.” Our goal as coaches is to help people get better at finding their answers.
That’s good…is there anything else you could try?
I have some ideas, but first I’d like to hear what you are thinking.
Part 4
Adult conversations—when we each understand what the other wants we will be in an interesting and worthwhile conversation.
Stick to questions starting with “WHAT.” The WHY is important, but we are not fixing things and therefore do not need the backstory. Ex: instead of asking “Why did you do that?” change it to “What were you hoping for?” So for a script: What’s on your mind? Is there anything else on your mind? What is the real challenge here or you? And what else is the real challenge for you here? Is there anything else? So, what is the real challenge for you here?
Michael writes that the heart/central question of the entire book is the Foundation Question: “What do you want?” The analogy of a goldfish face response—peoples’ eyes are bugged and their mouths are opening and closing with no sound—because often we do not know what we want. Understanding the difference between wants and needs is very helpful. (I asked my own children this as they were thinking of buying something. Do you REALLY NEED this or do you just WANT this? It was very helpful to them in making decisions.) Needs are deeper and can help in choosing or sorting out the “what”. Per Manfred Max-Neef’s work, Rosenberg list nine universal needs. They are: Affection, Creation, Recreation, Freedom, Identity, Understanding, Participation, Protection, and Subsistence. As people share their wants, we can perhaps see their need underneath that want. Ex. if an employee says they need to leave early for the day—they may be needing “understanding” (for what may be difficult at home)
Recognizing a need can better help us better get to/understand/address the want of a client. Also, do the reverse–knowing a want, search for the need.
When asking “what do you want?” answering it for myself will help with the communication between us.
Neuroscience of Engagement—if we feel safe, then our brains acknowledge this and can move forward with calmness, productively. Conversely, if we do not feel safe, then we are in the fight or flight mode, and begin backing away (not physically in the case of conversations) but in our minds we are sensing that all is not well, not safe.
So, in a relationship—how can we help to make the time together safe? There are four primary drivers for how the brain reads situations. TERA acronym for Tribe (are you with me or against me), Expectation (do I know what going to happen next, if I do I will feel safer), Rank (could be based on titles but are you more important that me or not) and Autonomy (do I get a choice/say or not and if I do then I am OK). Thinking of TERA, we can help to influence the environment which then helps to drive the engagement.
As coaches, our job is to increase the TERA quotient. It will be good for the client and me.
WHAT do you want? It pulls people toward their outcome. The miracle questions that can help people define their what. “Suppose that tonight while you’re sleeping a miracle happens. When you get up in the morning tomorrow, how will you know that things have suddenly gotten better?”
Part 5
Get comfortable with silence. Silence is often a measure of success—the client is thinking. Bite your tongue and do not say anything.
We want to help, to add value, but then there’s “helping” that turns into elevating ourselves and diminishing them. It can actually be like us stepping into their shoes which is not helpful to the client.
Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer Analogy—-roles WE ALL PLAY at one time or another
Rescuer—we think we have the answers for the client and we can move that direction easily solving, giving advice, taking over responsibilities…in doing this, I am limiting the client’s growth.
How can I help? —the lazy question. This is powerful because it forces them to ask, and for me to not think and then jump into solve/rescue mode. If you are dreading the answer, you can answer with: yes, no, I can’t do that, OR let me think about that.” Our goal as coaches is to help people get better at finding their answers.
That’s good…is there anything else you could try?
I have some ideas, but first I’d like to hear what you are thinking.